When I started writing my memories in this blog I unearthed feelings, ideas, and a wave of emotions that I probably was not ready for. However, without talking honestly about what I have been through and what I have witnessed then I would not be where I am now and who I am now. To be fully honest I had a full blown CPTSD where even my dreams were not a safe place. Because I did not know what to do I went to psychoactive substances, it was terrifying.
The most aggressive experience I had with psychoactive substances sent me in an acute psychotic episode that I wrote about in an earlier post. It was a total nightmare that it scared me of my own brain and my own self. Slowly, I recovered and I even felt grateful for the experience because I would have never been able to explore those areas of my mind and soul if it was not for psychosis. I started then doing controlled psychedelics where I only used them for a purpose to answer a specific question or to visit a specific area in my soul. Of course they took me to other places and I finally could see how everything inside my mind was connected even if the connection seemed far and unlikely. I could see the construct.
In neuroscience we say that we have no objective way of knowing what reality is because once sensorial messages are transferred to our nerves the brain will construct whatever it wants out of them and tells you that this is the “reality”. We have no idea how things really look like, smell like, or feel like. It does the same thing to our memories and experiences. It constructs a reality that is plausible enough to be believable and that is pleasant enough to make us survive and exist. Psychedelics strip the brain naked and enable the user to either reconstruct a reality or just observe how the brain mapped out and designed its reality. This will sound silly until you try yourself.
In my next chapter I will talk about the deconstruction of reality that makes me stand on the verge of insanity. It is the place where I meet my odd friend where we together explore the vast universes and realities of everything.
On the Search for Home 