The Manufacture of Defeat 

On 7 July 2026, in the air-conditioned bowl of Atlanta Stadium, Egypt led the reigning world champions two goals to nil with eleven minutes to play. Yasser Ibrahim had headed them ahead in the fifteenth minute; Mostafa Zico had doubled the lead in the sixty-seventh. Then, in the space of roughly thirteen minutes, the match inverted itself. Cristian Romero headed one back in the seventy-ninth minute, Lionel Messi equalised in the eighty-third, and Enzo Fernandez won it deep into stoppage time. Egypt lost 3-2 and went out.

The temptation is to read this as sport’s oldest story, the underdog who could not hold on. This essay argues something more specific. The collapse was not a spontaneous failure of Egyptian nerve but the predictable behavioural output of a manufactured condition. The officiating did not merely disadvantage Egypt on the scoreboard. It constructed, in real time, an environment in which the Egyptian players’ own actions were repeatedly stripped of consequence, and it is that decoupling of action from outcome, not any inherent fragility, that produced the collapse.

To make this case I want to do three things. First, to reframe the referee not as a stereotypical racist but as the functionary of a capitalist institution. Second, to read the pattern of decisions through Frantz Fanon’s account of how an external authority imposes a definition of reality on the subordinated. Third, to give the psychological mechanism its proper names, learned helplessness and the collapse of collective efficacy, so that the argument rests on established science rather than on grievance.

It would be a weak argument, and an unprovable one, to claim that Francois Letexier harbours personal animus toward Egyptians. It would also miss the point. The more serious claim is structural. The referee, whatever is in his heart, functions as the guardian of an organisation whose commercial interests are not neutral as between a marketable champion and an inconvenient upset.

FIFA is a capital-accumulation machine. Its revenues flow from broadcast rights and sponsorship, and those revenues are indexed to spectacle, to the survival of the sport’s most bankable narratives. A Messi-led Argentina advancing toward a defence of its title is one such narrative; an Egyptian side eliminating the champions in the round of sixteen is, from the standpoint of the balance sheet, a loss. The former Egypt striker Mido made this point crudely but not stupidly when he observed that Egypt knocking out Argentina would have cost the organisation dearly in sponsorship value.

This is where Fanon’s analysis of the colonial situation becomes precise rather than merely emotive. Fanon’s colonizer need not be a hate-filled individual. The colonial order is administered by functionaries (officers, clerks, magistrates) who can be perfectly correct, procedural, even polite, while enforcing a system built to negate. The violence of the arrangement is impersonal and structural; it does not require, and is in fact better disguised without, individual cruelty. Antonio Gramsci names the companion mechanism. Hegemony operates not through open coercion but through a “common sense” so naturalised that the dominant party’s legitimacy is the unspoken default and the subordinate’s claims are treated, reflexively, as suspect.

Read this way, Letexier is not the villain of a morality play. He is the visible agent of an apparatus whose tilt he need not consciously intend. And this reframing carries a crucial evidentiary advantage: systematic discrimination inside a hegemonic order does not require a single broken rule. It operates through the selective and asymmetric application of legitimate discretion, the same discretion extended generously to one side and withheld from the other. That is precisely what “systematic” means here. Each decision can be defended in isolation; the pattern is the phenomenon.

Three moments compose the pattern.

First, at 1-0, Egypt scored what would have been a second goal through Zico in the fifty-eighth minute, only for the referee, after a VAR review, to reverse the decision on the grounds of a foul on Lisandro Martinez far upfield in the build-up. Second, late in the match, a shirt-pull on the substitute Hamdy Fathy inside the Argentine area drew no penalty. Third, in the same passage of play, contact on Mohamed Salah as he bore down on goal was waved away, and from that non-decision Argentina broke upfield to score the winner.

What matters is not any single call but the asymmetry of the standard. A marginal, distant infringement was deemed sufficient to erase an Egyptian goal; comparable contact at the other end was deemed insufficient to interrupt an Argentine attack. This is not the paranoid reading of a partisan. Neutral English broadcasters, among them Alan Shearer, Ian Wright, Jamie Carragher and the former goalkeeper Rob Green, publicly questioned the consistency of the VAR threshold, noting that the logic used to disallow Egypt’s goal, if applied evenly, would have required a second look at the incident involving Salah. The Egyptian Football Association lodged a formal complaint. The coach, Hossam Hassan, declared the outcome unjust and, in a detail almost too pointed to be believed, was booked for making the crossed-arms gesture that is FIFA’s own official signal for reporting a racist incident.

Here we must be careful and precise, because this is where the psychology begins. The video assistant referee is not merely an official. It is an epistemic authority, the apparatus that adjudicates what is real, what counts, what happened. When VAR erases your goal and declines even to examine your penalty claims, the message transmitted to the players is not only “you are losing.” It is this: your version of events does not count. Your action reached into the world and the world was rolled back. This is the exact machinery of subjugation, the systematic conviction of the subordinated that their reading of reality is illegitimate, transposed from the colony onto the pitch.

Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks is, at its core, a study of what it does to a person to be seen, to exist as an object under a gaze that is structurally empowered to define you before you can define yourself. The subordinated subject does not encounter himself directly. He encounters himself refracted through an authority that has already decided what he is. Fanon describes this condition of being fixed, catalogued, and determined from outside himself: “I am overdetermined from without.” (Black Skin, White Masks)

The fifty-eighth minute is this sentence made flesh. Egypt’s players performed the act. Salah slid Zico in, Zico dinked it over the goalkeeper, and for a few seconds they were 2-0 up and all but through. Then an external authority reached back into the passage of play and determined, retroactively, that the act had never happened. They were overdetermined from without in the most literal sense: the meaning of what they had done on the grass was assigned to them by a power beyond their reach, and the value it assigned was nothing. Generalise the point. The referee, and the VAR apparatus behind him, occupy the position of the defining gaze. They do not merely observe the match; they constitute it. A goal is a goal only once they say so, as Zico learned twice in nine minutes: erased in the fifty-eighth, permitted in the sixty-seventh. A foul exists only once they recognise it, which is why the shirt-pull on Fathy, unrecognised, did not exist. When that authority systematically recognises the champion’s claims and refuses the underdog’s, it is not simply making errors. It is enacting a hierarchy of whose reality is admissible.

Fanon’s larger point about the colonial world is that it is split into two, governed by a logic that renders one side legitimate and the other illegitimate by default: “The colonial world is a Manichaean world.” (The Wretched of the Earth) The stadium reproduced that division on the night. Messi was awarded a first-half penalty, which Mostafa Shobeir saved, while Salah, felled in the box in the closing minutes, could not even earn a review. The same category of event, a striker going down under contact in the area, produced a spot-kick at one end and a shrug at the other. The referee policed the border between the two zones.

The bridge from Fanon’s philosophy to observable behaviour runs through the work of Martin Seligman. In the foundational experiments, animals exposed to aversive events they could not control subsequently failed to escape those same events even when escape became possible. The critical variable was never the pain. It was the uncontrollability. What the subject learns is a general proposition: that its responses and the outcomes are independent, that what it does does not determine what happens to it. This learning produces a triad of deficits. The motivational (effort declines, because effort has been shown to be futile), the cognitive (the subject struggles to perceive that action now matters, even when it does), and the emotional (a flattening into passivity).

Egypt received exactly this training across ninety minutes. Salah’s pass and Zico’s finish in the fifty-eighth minute: nullified. Shobeir’s superb save of Messi’s penalty: rewarded with nothing, because a save that prevents a goal still buys no goodwill and changes no subsequent call. Two penalty appeals in the closing minutes, on Fathy and on Salah: dismissed, one without even a review. The team acted, and acted well, and the acting kept failing to translate into the outcomes it should have produced. That is the laboratory condition for helplessness, delivered live.

The reformulated model, from Abramson, Seligman, and Teasdale, sharpens the mechanism. Helplessness is deepest when the subject attributes the uncontrollable outcome to a cause that is stable (it will persist) and global (it affects everything), rather than temporary and local. “The referee made one honest mistake” is a local, unstable attribution and does relatively little damage. “The whole apparatus, the referee, VAR, FIFA, the system, is arranged against us” is a stable, global attribution, and it is precisely the attribution most corrosive to sustained effort. Hossam Hassan reached that exact attribution out loud after the whistle when he said the competition was directed toward Argentina. What his players had felt on the pitch at 2-1 and 2-2, he put into words at the microphone.

Here lies the cruelty specific to Egypt’s situation, the double-bind that separates it from ordinary sporting misfortune. The stable, global attribution was not a distortion. It was, structurally, accurate. The disallowed goal, the un-reviewed penalty, the commercial value of an Argentina that survived: these were real features of the environment, not paranoid inventions. The players were reading their situation correctly. That is what makes the mechanism so potent. Learned helplessness is usually a maladaptive over-generalisation from a genuinely controllable situation. In a systematically tilted one it is the rational conclusion, which is exactly why it disables.

Trace the behavioural signature against the clock. From the sixty-seventh minute, when Zico’s second goal put Egypt legitimately 2-0 up, to the seventy-ninth, when Romero pulled one back, Egypt did not press to extend the lead or hold the game high up the pitch. They retreated into a deep, passive shell and invited pressure onto themselves. This is the motivational deficit in physical form: a team that had authored two goals now waiting for the match to be done to it. The lesson its own actions had been taught, that scoring and appealing changed nothing an authority would not permit, expressed itself as a surrender of territory. Against a side with Messi, ceding that territory is fatal, and within fourteen minutes of Romero’s goal the lead was gone entirely.

Learned helplessness explains the individual’s collapse of agency. But a football team is not eleven individuals. It is a collective, and it runs on a collective psychological resource that Albert Bandura named collective efficacy: a group’s shared belief in its conjoint capability to organise and execute the actions required to achieve a given result. This is not the sum of the players’ individual confidences. It is an emergent property of the group, built from four sources: mastery experiences (we have done this before), vicarious experience (we see it being done), social persuasion (we tell one another we can), and shared physiological and affective states (how the group feels in its body).

Egypt’s collective efficacy had a precise high-water mark: 2-0 with eleven minutes left, on the brink of a first-ever World Cup quarter-final. Every one of Bandura’s four sources was feeding it at that moment. The mastery of two goals scored against the champions, the vicarious sight of Argentina visibly rattled, the social persuasion of a back line shouting each other through each clearance, and the physiological surge of a team that could smell the upset.

Collective efficacy is most decisive precisely in adversity, because it governs how much effort a group will sustain, and for how long, when things turn against it. A side with intact collective efficacy absorbs a setback and reorganises. A side whose collective efficacy has been ruptured fragments: communication thins, structure dissolves, and players retreat from the collective project into individual survival.

What ruptures it? A sudden, unjust, externally imposed shock at the moment of imminent triumph is close to an ideal solvent, and Egypt suffered two of them. The first was the disallowed Zico goal in the fifty-eighth minute. Had it stood, Egypt would have been two up then and three up after Zico’s legitimate strike nine minutes later, the kind of cushion that makes a match safe. The second was the un-reviewed appeal on Salah in the closing minutes, which denied them the chance to restore a two-goal margin at the very moment Argentina were surging. Each did something subtler than merely keeping the score close. It rendered the lead illegitimate in the players’ own perception. The two-goal cushion that had felt like destiny was recast, within minutes, as something the officials would not permit to stand. It began to feel, to use the word that likely started this whole line of thought, unnatural. A lead the collective no longer believes it will be allowed to keep is a lead whose defence no longer commands full collective effort. The belief drained out, the structure followed, and Romero, Messi and Fernandez scored through the gap where the shared conviction used to be. Three goals in thirteen minutes: the visible trace of collective efficacy leaving the team at the one moment it needed it most.

We arrive at the most important and most dangerous step that exposes the fallacy of the oldest slander in international football, that the African side is naive, lacks “game management,” and inevitably “bottles” the big moment. To locate the cause of the collapse inside the Egyptian players is to hand that slander a psychology paper to hide behind.

The rigorous version says the opposite. It relocates causation from a supposed defect in the colonised to a design in the apparatus. The collapse is not evidence that the players were weak or psychologically colonised. It is evidence of the power of the mechanism that was operated on them. Any human collective subjected to the same real-time demonstration that its actions would not be permitted to count, the erased goal, the saved penalty that bought nothing, the ignored appeals, would be prone to the same helplessness and the same evaporation of collective belief. The players’ response was not a symptom of inferiority. It was a comprehensible reaction to an engineered condition, the behavioural proof that the machinery works, not that the men were lacking.

This is the Fanonian move properly understood. Fanon’s project was never to catalogue the psychological damage of the colonised as their fixed condition. It was to name the mechanism so that it could be refused. The self-fulfilling prophecy is self-fulfilling only so long as it goes unexamined, only so long as the subordinated accept the apparatus’s verdict as the truth about themselves. The instant the mechanism is named, the spell is broken. On this reading, the Egyptian Football Association’s formal complaint to FIFA and Hassan’s crossed-arms gesture on the touchline are not the whining of sore losers. They are acts of refusal, the subordinated party declining to accept the imposed definition of what happened. This essay is an extension of that same refusal.

“Losing fans always blame the referee.” True, and it is the most reliable bias in sport. But the argument here does not rest on the outcome hurting Egyptian supporters. It rests on the asymmetry of the officiating standard, which was flagged by neutral, non-Egyptian professionals with no stake in the result (Shearer, Carragher, Wright and Green), and on the structural argument about FIFA’s commercial interests, which would hold even if Egypt had won. The thesis is built to survive the removal of the grievance.

“Each decision was technically defensible.” Possibly so, and this is not a concession but the heart of the argument. Systematic discrimination within a hegemonic order does not announce itself through broken rules. It works through the uneven application of legitimate discretion, each instance individually justifiable, the aggregate unmistakably tilted. That the disallowed goal can be defended by the letter of the law, while the Salah non-penalty can also be defended, is the point: discretion bent consistently in one direction. To demand a single indefensible call as proof is to misunderstand how hegemony operates, through common sense and procedure rather than open cheating.

“Defending 2-0 against Messi is simply precarious, referee or no referee.” Granted, in part. The structural reading does not deny football. It contextualises it. Leads are lost. But the argument explains why this collapse took this shape and this timing, why a side that had controlled the match for an hour surrendered its agency in the exact window (the seventy-ninth to the ninety-second minute) that followed the apparatus voiding its actions. A legitimately officiated Egypt might well have lost anyway. What it would have retained is the margin for error, the third goal it was denied, and the intact collective belief that this environment systematically removed.

Egypt did not lose because Egyptians cannot hold a lead. Egypt lost inside an environment engineered, by the commercial logic of a capitalist institution and enforced by its procedural guardian, to strip the underdog’s actions of consequence at the moment those actions threatened the profitable narrative. Zico’s erased goal, Salah’s ignored fall, the two-goal lead recast as something illegitimate: these were the inputs. The psychological collapse that followed was not a flaw in the men. It was the designed effect of the machine, legible in the vocabulary of learned helplessness and the collapse of collective efficacy, and prefigured a century earlier by Fanon’s account of what it is to have one’s reality defined by an authority that has already decided you do not count.

The value of naming all this is not consolation. It is refusal. The prophecy fulfils itself only in silence. Spoken aloud, in a federation’s complaint, in a coach’s crossed arms, in an essay, it stops being destiny and becomes, once again, merely a decision that someone made, and that someone else can contest.

Chapter 19: Snap back to reality

If you have been reading thus far, do not worry, I have not lost my peace. The good thing about peace is that it gives you lucidity, it gives you clarity.

Remember in chapter 4 when I said that people like me leave their “home” to the west pursuing some sort of restoration of dignity and dreams?! well, I feel really sad for those children of light. The “West” did not really live up to its potential. Two major things happened post COVID: GAZA and TRUMP.

I, by no means, can educate anyone on the horrors of Gaza and the absolute failure of humanity in preventing a full scale tiktoked genocide committed by the trash of the planet. But I can tell you how I experienced it in Europe.

When you are an immigrant in a country like France you will always get a specific treatment from the French. Specially those who identify as intellectuals or “activists”. They will always try to teach you something. They will even try to teach you about your own reality and your own human experience. I once had a debate with an individual where he was trying to convince me the Hijab is mandated by law in Egypt for example and he would not take it from an Egyptian that is actually not.

Gaza stripped those people naked, morally that is. Suddenly Monsieur and Madame Intellectuelles ran out of arguments to their fellow white man committing animalistic killing rituals against a not very fellow brown man. I could sense their cognitive dissonance and I saw them suffering between their inner moral code and their racist core and oh baby, I loved it.

I met three kinds of people in this crisis: the “c’est tres complique” people, the “mais pour quoi ils ne peuvent pas co-exister” people and of course the “we will march to free the Palestinians” people.

The “it is complicated” are the worst. They chose moral complacency, so I discard them entirely. The victim blaming people asking for peaceful co-existence in a situation like Palestine are usually far right idiots whose brain are suffering from visible rot. The third are the most difficult to deal with.

Most of my friends turned into white saviours. Some of them honestly thought that if they, personally, get involved surely the conflict will be resolved and in favour of the Palestinians.

Of course when you are at peace with the reality of the rotten world order it was not a surprise to me to see the decay of the western civilisation. They keep trying to pin this decay on us, the immigrants, but what Gaza and Trump did was stripping them naked to their own mirror of decay and they did not like what they saw. Welcome to the club, baby. Take a seat beside your brothers and sisters of colour and maybe one day we bring it all down and start over.

Love as a Drug

I have spilled much ink and spent many trips with you in our discussion of human connection. And we’re no closer to understanding than we were when our trips began. I often feel as if I’m standing on one side of a wide chasm, shouting across, and wondering if the response I hear comes from you, or if it is my own voice echoing back to me. It seems to me, on my side of the canyon, that the search for unity with another is behind much of the world’s unhappiness. You, my odd friend, conduct yourself as though you’re above matters of the heart. But in my candid moments, I sometimes wonder if you take the stance you do because love, for lack of a better word, is a game you fail to understand, and so you opt not to play. After all, if I truly had the purity of all my convictions, I wouldn’t regret so many of the things I’ve done nor would I persist, against so many of my better instincts.

I find you a challenge, one that, in spite of all that you’ve done, continues to stimulate. In every relationship that I find myself into I want to through myself into it and have a full “love” experience. Yet, you stand there looking at me with a smug smile telling me “we are bigger than that”. We keep having those arguments, you and I, where I keep telling you that people need second chances that despite of our convections maybe this specific time “it” will work. Yet, you keep winning. Maybe I created you to take care of me when I am vulnerable and sad. I can always see you taking over when I cannot manage and you always make the tough calls for me. Shortly after you disappear and I stay.

Hunter S. Thompson is quoted as saying, “Love. The word means different things to different people. To some, love is a fairy tale. To others, it’s a nightmare. But for me, love is a drug. And like all drugs, it can be good or bad, depending on how you use it.”

He Took My Rose and Broke My Heart

Her name was Rose “Warda”. Yes, this was my youngest aunt name.

She was my first teacher. She taught handwriting. She had the most beautiful Arabic calligraphy I have ever seen. My hand writing is still bad.

She also liked to draw and her lines were soft and beautiful.

Her name was Rose “Warda”, she was my youngest aunt.

She was like her name: delicate, elegant and beautiful.

She used to wait for me and my brother to come back from our universities to visit her in the Oasis. She used to make mango juice and cook Egyptian dishes for dinner for us.

She had a soft heart and a generous soul. She loved us so much but then she got sick. She got really sick and she started to wither. The beautiful Rose became so weak and frail but she still made us the mango juice and cooked dinner.

Then I left Egypt and left her behind in the oasis. Just like I have left everything behind.

I did not call her but followed her news from her sister, my mother. I also never went back to the oasis even when I visited Cairo. I took her for granted.

Last time I was in Cairo she also was in Cairo. She was in the intensive care unit because her organs started failing and she suffered internal bleeding.

I did not visit her in the hospital. I remember my Rose happy and young. I remember her as my teacher who used to get so angry at me for my horrible hand writing. I could not get myself to see her sick.

Then she died. Death took my Rose away and broke my heart. I am so angry at everything. I am angry I won’t see her again. I am angry she left me and the world. I am angry I could not say goodbye. I am angry I had to be strong for the family.

I will miss her until I die. I will miss her and all the other beloved that death took away from me. I loved my Rose so much and I hope she knew it, I really do.

Acute Cardiac Arrest

At 6 Am my mother woke me up. She pressed my arm and said “be with us, Dad is not well”.

I hurried to their bedroom and found him half seated, struggling to breathe and clinching his chest with a half fest. I realized what was happening and there was no time for an ambulance in cairo, so I ordered an uber to the closest hospital. He was suffering a level 2 heart attack.

I have never seen my father as weak and suffering that much pain. He was fighting for his life. On the exit door of the building he held me tight and said “I feel so cold”. I huged him and he cried.

The hug sent me in a place I know very well. A place where I meet my odd friend. I, simply, dissociated. I was on autopilot mood. At the moment it was not me hugging my father. I disappeared and there was a dark void wrapping itself It around a frail human who was cold and ready for to go to the place where no one returns.

My father recovered and I can still hear his shriek and feel his tear on my wet shirt.

Was I there? Was that real? At the moment, yes….

Death: The Ultimate Chess-master

I have always entertained the idea of playing chess against death not for any hope that I would ever win in his cruel game but just to see how many moves it can still yet play to surprise me. Of course the easiest and most used technique of death is surprise. A move where the master skilfully takes away a piece of your board, your life, that you for some reason just took for granted. I would say he played this enough I kinda not get or at least try not to get surprised every-time the master pulls it.

I cannot remember how many times I sat on this board just examining with owe and tears the moves he played in everyone’s life and how it completely tears through the fabric of the….the board. his ability to just dismantle your carefully played game no matter who skilfully you through you really played. Yet, the cruellest card death has ever played is: Death by you. the chess master sits with command across from you watching you approach smiling holding the king piece.

Dancing on The Edge

I do not know why but I went back. The intrigue of that other world I discovered within my mind is irresistible. I have engaged in a pattern that would resemble a “weekend getaway trip” whenever I felt I need to retreat inwards. DMT is too strong for this so I shifted my recreational weekend trip to LSD. The beauty of LSD is that it is much gentler and it stays long enough to play with. I can perfectly control how far I want to go in my trip, unlike DMT that forcefully shoots me to him, my odd friend.

I remember the first time I used LSD after my DMT experience because it was not the same as prior to the DMT experience. Something happened in my brain and now it processes LSD very differently. First I dissociate, then I lose sense of body, time and place. When I shut my eyes I go there, to the edge. I can see the two worlds very clearly and I go between them with ease. I see my odd friend but for some reason we do not interact, not at all. This is a puzzle I still need to solve.

I feel a strange sensation of peace and warmth in the “nothing” world. My friends are concerned that one day I will go there and I will never come back. This scares me too, not to be there, but to lose control. For now, I will keep dancing on the edge.

Chapter 18: Peace

I loved my last dissociative/psychotic experience but I did not know what to do with it. I felt it was a premature season finale, then I got it. It was an answer I needed to stop looking back and to start looking forward. Our pasts shape us, they leave us with experiences without which we would never understand ourselves and push our limits. The feeling I have right now is gratitude. I am grateful that I grew up in a loving and caring family. I am grateful I have had the chance to grow up in the desert of Egypt. Every man, woman, and child alive should see the desert one time before they die. Nothing at all for horizons. Nothing but sand and rocks and wild plants and blue sky. Not a soul in sight. You find silence out there, you find peace. I am grateful I was educated in the American University in Cairo and that I have had the chance to travel at a young age to the epitome of western civilisation, the USA. I am grateful I got to witness the Egyptian revolution and be part of it with all the sorrows and horrors that came with it. I am grateful that I have had the chance to start over in a country like France. I am grateful for the many lovers and friends I have met throughout the experience. I have loved and I have been truly loved. I have made peace with the past. I have accepted it.

Now it is a new chapter. Now It is time to live the present that leads to the future, not the present that lives in the shadows of the past. I want to visit my odd friend again and I want to talk to him again. Next it will be Ayahuasca baby, stay tuned….

Chapter 17: I Have Been Waiting for You

I was tired that day. In fact I have been tired for sometime before that day too. I consumed my energy in crunching books, working over hours and practicing my guitar. This is my routine when I do not want to face something. I distract my mind into something else but the mind knows and the mind wins.

That day I did DCK for the wrong reasons but maybe the right time. My dear readers: fasten your seat belts….

I am sitting on my La-Z-Boy inclining chair, the room expanded, my friend’s voice sounded too far and incomprehensible, the buzz from the speakers behind me was killing me, I switched them off and my world became 2D. Voices changed into electric noises that were no longer voices but just sound waves with no meaning. I asked my friend to shut up, he shut up. Now there is silence.

My 2D world turns into black metal slabs that collapse one after the other and everything disappears, everything. From here on I will refer to The Odd Friend as TOF. I split not dissociate, big difference.

TOF: Yes yes yes, here he comes, I have been waiting for you.

Me: What is this?

TOF: What is not this, you mean. This is it, this is everything. Every sound you hear, every image you see, every sensation you get and everything you ever tasted, smelled and experienced. This is my world, your world, our world, THE WORLD.

Me: There is nothing here, nothing at all.

TOF: True and not true. You, I (you are me, I am you, whatever you want to call it) are conscience. I have been here first in the nothingness. As you see it is vast what nothingness can be, the void, the abyss. So I created you with your life, your world, your everything. You got bored (well, I got bored) so I created death to give you a new life because eternity is a cruel thing. So now we can have new beginnings and like this we can play forever.

Me: Play?

TOF: I know you are wondering how many times you have reached that far to this point but I won’t answer you and it does not matter. But you have always questioned, every time in every life I gave you. There is nothing to be gained from your pursuit of reality. You can call it a simulation, a matrix whatever you want. You want to breakthrough that matrix and see what is behind hoping for salvation, hoping that the truth would put an end to the endless cycle. Here you are, my friend, this is what is behind the matrix: NOTHINGNESS. In here there is no time, no beginning, middle and end there is just NOTHING. I cannot die, I cannot vanish because in nothingness nothing happens at all. So my existence, your existence are not a choice, we are just here and in here nothing happens. I am sorry if the game was cruel and if the “construct” I gave you made you hope for more.

Now you have it,”the truth”. Do what you want to do with it. The construct can be beautiful and the more you allow it to grow the more the construct becomes for you. I want you to be happy and to feel what we call “life” for lack of a better word. I will be constructing endlessly because my reality is endless so, my odd friend, please forgive me.

Chapter 16: DCK and the Odd Friend

DCK stands for Deschloroketamine. It is a designer drug that has the potential of inducing dissociation. When I first discovered and used this drug it sent me into a trip similar to that of Ketamine. The trips were usually longer and deeper. Until I had my psychosis on DMT.

After my psychotic episode on DMT, DCK functioned completely differently in my body. It sends my directly into dissociation. I need to explain what dissociation means, at least for me. After 5-10 minutes from administering DCK dimensions get very distorted. Objects seem far from how they are actually placed, sounds become electric or robotic and the body becomes heavy. Everything turns into a cartoonish 2D a few moments before my normal self is silenced and another takes over.

It is difficult to explain what I mean by “another takes over” because now I am me writing down not him. I am aware of his presence somewhere and that at the right moment he becomes me. When this happens the first thing I feel is that I have no body or that I no longer feel it. What is interesting is what I find when I come back. I might have consumed a food or a drink and I do not remember, changed where I was sitting, had conversations that I cannot recall having, etc. I know you might think it is creepy but so far I can tell my odd friend has been such a cool guy. The moments I enjoy the most is when I can still experience both of me and have a conversation or alternate between the two.

I learned to control my dose and my experience so that I have it under control in terms of duration and space. If you think I am crazy or that it is creepy then I urge you to rediscover yourself and you will be surprised what you find out.

Next chapter will be about the metal slabs, stay tuned….